Dearest Samuel,

Baby Samuel, thank you for fighting. Did you know that through your life, the Body of Christ was joined together? Did you know that your story was heard across the country and across the globe? You are not only loved by the Creator and your parents, Dan and Kelly, but your name has been spoken countless times today. You are an example of God's power, God's goodness, and God's unfailing love. Your parents had and have this unfailing faith and enduring desire to seek the Lord's will first. Do you know how encouraging that is? Challenging? Admirable? Life changing?

You're with the Lord now. I'm so lucky to have heard your story and to have prayed for you. Even after the decision to take you off of life support, during that interval of prayer, I truly believed that God had the power to keep you alive. You don't know me, but I'm often doubtful and quick to assume the practical/probable. I realized even before I heard the news that the Lord has used you to grow my faith. To grow the faith of all believers who have heard your story.

I think that the world now has a greater understanding of what love looks like. What the church was meant to do...love one another and proclaim the Truth about God and Christ for the world to hear. Merry Christmas, Samuel.

Music, "you put the art in my heart".

Success

Who is the more successful?

A doctor or a baker?

A lawyer or an artist?

A stay-at-home-mother or a psychologist?

A pastor or a rock star?

A scuba-diving instructor or an elementary school teacher?

A queen or a trash man?

A burger-flipper or a neuro-surgeon?

A dog-walker or a missionary?

A librarian or a farmer?

How do you define success?

Do you define yourself by your level of success?

Should you?

Does it control how you define others?

Should it?

What do you want in this life?

To be successful?

To be happy?

To take risks?

To stay safe?

To be smart? About everything?

To make someone happy?

What if you took the idea of success and accomplishment away?

What if you took away salaries, expectations, and pride?

What if there were only attempts, goals, dreams and struggles?

Who are you now?

Is this version of you less great than the one that "succeeds"?

Why?

According to the Bible, we believers all have the same ultimate purpose. Perhaps we walk in different directions, earn different amounts of money, and dress in different brands of clothing, but we're walking on the same type of path designed by the same Creator for the same reasons. And unlike the world, we're allowed to fall on our faces because it doesn't change our purpose and it doesn't change how the Creator sees us. In 100 years, there will only be one whose love towards us remains. So why are we so bent up on "succeeding" when no level of "success" can ever take away or add to the amount that the Lord loves us? Why are we so concentrated on giving into what the world has created to be "success" and forgetting about who God has created to be heroes, givers, and faith-based people?

When the salaries, titles, recognition, looks, knowledge, scores, schools, and approving nods are stripped away, you are finally just...you.

Auntie Jackie

She would sit in the center of the campground, coffee thermos in her pale hands, and feet propped up on the stone wall of the fireplace. I always remember her wearing fleece. I always remember her smiling. I loved her slight Irish accent.

Auntie Jackie was my Girl Scout leader for 8 years. That's 8 years of patience, teaching, guidance, advice, encouragement, laughter, adventure, learning, and growing. I think as young girls, we couldn't entirely understand a person's character...especially not that of an adult (we think we know their characters!). Now that I look back after having grown up some, I realize the amount of energy it took to keep up a household, 3 children and their schoolwork, endless extra-curriculars, and community work. But it's not just the time and energy that's striking. It's the desire to give even to strangers. To others in the community simply because she was grateful. Compassionate.

Auntie Jackie was diagnosed with ALS about 4 or 5 years ago, and somehow dealt with losing all independence. Losing the ability to communicate. The ability to bathe herself. To feed herself. To decide. For the past couple of years, my mom and I haven't been involved with her life...but I do remember seeing her unable to move and speak. My friend, Auntie Jackie's daughter, was hurrying around the house fulfilling responsibility after responsibility as if the typical adolescent matters suddenly vanished.

Jackie's with the Lord now...as joyful and beautiful as ever. Here on earth, at school, I see her heart and attitude lived out by her daughter. I see the way she bravely takes on challenges, yet still cares so intimately for her friends. The way she fulfills her responsibilities, yet is able to use art to express herself. She is beautiful and she will always be remembered as a super-mom for all of us.

Troop 678 <3

Laundry Room

I was just spending some time practicing the violin in the laundry room. Even though I've been playing this specific concerto for almost a couple of years now, there are still problem areas that come back whenever I don't practice consistently. And I'm recording the last segment (hopefully!!) of my college tape this weekend! (...except for arpeggios. I can't seem to find my workbook of arpeggios...danggit UCI!)

A couple of years ago, when my half-brother Kevin was visiting home from New York, he told me to try practicing in the laundry room. "It's like playing in a concert hall compared to the carpeted living room," he said. Since then, whenever I felt like I had practiced hard and was still dissatisfied with my sound, I'd treat myself to a few minutes practicing in the laundry room. With eyes closed, I really could imagine that I was playing for a crowd in a music hall.

Aside from beautiful acoustics, the laundry room is also a closed, clean[er] space compared to the rest of the house. And it's not too cold like our bathroom....(from which the neighbors can hear my playing O_O. ) I can always concentrate in the laundry room, and because of the privacy, I can also exaggerate my musicality and explore styles to find the type that fits me or fits exactly what the composer's looking for.

Today, I traced my time in the laundry room back to Kevin, and really wanted to hear him play again. How can a neuro-surgeon ever have the time to just play the violin?? Today I wonder if he ever does. I wonder how he'd sound now. I wonder what kind of magic happened in that laundry room. Sure, I agree that it takes discipline and persistent practice to really improve, but I also think being able to pretend that I'm playing in a large hall, sound soaring through the air, can bring that music to the next level. Beginner, amateur :), or professional.

Speaking of New York and big brothers, ERIC'S COMING HOME IN TWO WEEKS!!

Keith

Our tour guide and friend from Ireland!

"In conflict, the first casualty is the truth"

"The oppressed become the oppressors."

"Every man's revolutionist is another man's terrorist."

In my travel journal I made the note..

"**Think: compare the freedom fighters to those we see as terrorists. Are they in the same situation as these nationalists?"

What the crazies...

God be with you

In Literature class, we're reading a book called A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, an Irish modernist. As we're going over not just text but Irish history, so many fond memories of Ireland are brought back (my classmates Charis, Ted, John, Sophia, and Selene were all on the trip, too). Today we discussed the IRA and significant characters that led movements, held power, and fought for their country. It's hard to believe and remember the struggle that still goes on within Ireland today.

During our time in Belfast, we had the opportunity to meet Catholics, spend time with them, and even bring them over to a Protestant church. Rossi (sp?) was an especially memorable guy for me, because at first glance he seemed like a fine-and-dandy, always happy or couldn't care less kind of guy. As we spent the whole day with him, we slowly uncovered how the terrorism and struggle was really a part of his past and present, knowledge and belief. He came with us on a tour at a Protestant police station, and joined us for dinner before we left Belfast. I'll never forget how eager we were to find out more...how eye-opening and heart-wrenching it was for us to hear stories from people who still experience that terrorism, knowledge, courage, loyalty, and patience. A few of us even kindly asked him to switch seats in the middle of dinner so that we could all hear him speak...and by the end of the night, his plate was cold and full because he was too busy sharing (poor guy!)

I think the burning question that we all had was, "When is it going to end?" We wanted a happy ending. A solution to the conflict. We're used to a story with hope, with answers. As I think about it now, I realize that this is why all our hearts still feel close to our time in Ireland-we want our friends to be okay (Protestant or Catholic). For even a few days, our experience in West and East Belfast, simply driving along the dividing wall or meeting fighters who had been in prison, was frightening. Intense. Surprising. I can't imagine not being able to go to the grocery store 5 minutes away because it's on the opposing side. I can't imagine having to drive/walk an extra 15 minutes out of fear of getting jumped.

Yet as Rossi talked, he seemed to have hope. He was grateful. He knew that the Protestants have been hurt, too. He knew that both sides have suffered and that both still hold a defiant belief, but not without a constant and nagging fear or caution. So many questions pop up for me now. How far would I go to defend my faith? How far would I go to defend my country? Am I, like Joyce, disapproving of this conflict and constant struggle? When would I lose hope? When would I lose sight of God?

I really hope to be back in Ireland one day. I told myself that I would pray for these people, our friends and even strangers, who live simple lives in the rain, in the culture, in the farms and cities. Tonight I wonder how God's moving and working and loving in Ireland. I wish I could see!

Rossi taught us a couple of phrases. I just googled them and those pronunciations seem to be different. Google's wrong, Rossi's wrong, or they're both right. Just like northern and southern Ireland huh?

"Hello" or "God be with you"- "gia-dutch"

"God be with you, too"- "gia-maya-dutch"

The internet may tell me otherwise, but I'll never forget these..and how much we wanted to remember and pronounce these correctly because we loved these friendly yet powerful (at least in translation) phrases.

God be with you, Rossi.

UC APP SUBMITTED

UC APP SUBMITTED.

UC APP SUBMITTED.

UC APP SUBMITTED.

there's ice cream in the freezer...

temptation or blessing?

hmmm...

I'm am Yours,

I am forever Yours

Mountain high or valley low

I sing out, remind my soul

I am Yours,

I am forever Yours

A whole third dinner at 11:35pm.

Recommendation packets require a lotta carbs ok?

Praise the Lord for pasta.

Power's out.

I go to the antique cabinet

And select the fattest candles

I put kitty cat in the laundry room

Her curiosity usually gets her in trouble

I consider jamming on the guitar

I consider continuing the song I started writing

Or writing my application essays...

It's quiet

I decide to journal

I then realize

That it took a power outage

For me to set everything aside

And remember the LORD

Who is so good to me

That He should be on my mind

Every waking moment

That He should be my inspiration

For every goal

For every dream

Every ambition

Every breath

I know that God blessed me with this power outage

Because the power came back on

As soon as pen met paper

And I began my focused

Quiet

Rare

Sweet

Intentional

Spiritually hungry

Time with my Father.

Sucker!

I find it pretty funny to think that the brother that once chased me and shot me with toy bow-and-arrows, the violent, sneaky, quick, black belt brother, is now a sucker for romance :D

Or perhaps it's always been there, and only after aging has the facade been removed. Hmm, yeah I guess I could believe it...really little boys being romantics :)

According to Brother, this almost takes priority over seeing Inception (which I haven't seen yet).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9nS9iDsaj8

And this one's just for kicks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UehSJlOQj2I

What does music mean to you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn8cg7CLIvI&feature=related

Good question. :)

The House of God, Forever

God is my shepherd

I won't be wanting

I won't be wanting

He makes me rest

In fields of green

With quite streams

Even though I walk

Through the valley

Of death and dying

I will not fear

'Cause you are with me

You are with me

Your shepherd staff

Comforts me

You are my feast

In the presence of enemy

Surely goodness

Follow me

Follow me

In the house of God, forever

God is my shepherd

I won't be wanting

I won't be wanting

He makes me rest

In fields of green

Like quiet streams

Even while I'm walking

Through the valley

Of death and dying

I will not fear

'Cause you are with me

You're always with me

I need not want. I need not fear. He's already giving me the best...providing fields of green.

Ericisms

"How do you know Marie bigby's digger?"

"They're already providing the convenientness. I mean convenience..."

"It represented the draught. Drought. It's drought right? Why'd I say, 'Draught'?"

"Cly the tram. I mean try the clam...."

More to come, I'm sure. Hope all is going well in NY...I'm excited for you!

Il bianco e dolce cigno

The gentle white swan, singing, dies; and I, weeping approach the end of my life. The difference is strange: he dies disconsolate, and I die blessed. That death, which is not to die but to fill me with all joy and desire: if in dying thus I will not feel sorrow, I will be pleased to die a thousand times each day. ~ Timothy Dickey, Rovi

New York is

-exciting

-dirty

-filled with fast-paced walkers

-loud

-dense

-smart

-beautiful

-delicious

-artsy

-my brother's new home?!

It's so strange to think that Eric won't be in our home for the next four months...that he won't be playing the theme song of UP while I do my homework or that he won't be playing with Kitty. I'm loving and treasuring the time I have with both Eric and Momma Hsieh this weekend...we haven't had it in a long time and we won't have it for a while. Praise God for such a funny, loving family.

I will TRY to get on here to share a little about my time in New York :D

Osaka updates (or journal recordings) will resume after this weekend (hopefully.)

OHMYGOODNESS SUMMER'S ENDING.

hello, to all two (maybe) of you who read this.

August 2, 2010

PONGA

-missionary who works here at SBGC

-sarcastic but has a big heart for God's people in Japan

-first came in 1995 and fell in love with Japan. Has lived here for 12 years.

-great with JS kids

PASTOR YAMAGUCHI (aka Pastor Smileyface)

-kind, quiet, sweet

-obviously has a big heart for seeing God exposed/known/loved in Japan

-full of hope. It's kind of strange...I don't think I've seen that much hope in the eyes of an adult before

-generous!

AYUMI

-so gracious with her time to be with JS club and our team

-patient with translating

-sweet, independent, disciplined, hard-working, persevering, modest

-sensitive to relationships, to those who don't know Christ, to those who aren't fully connected to SBGC

KAORI

-our coordinator!

-great with connecting missionaries to the japanese

-kind, loving, patient, motherly, multi-tasker

-mother of Kennouske (15) and Sakura (10)

KYOKO

-funny! :) Joyful. very good at english

-so generous! she's taking "vacation" from work just to help us out, bond with us, and show us more of Japan

-helpful and eager to take part in immersing us in Japanese culture

-passionate and urgent about the gospel!

August 2, 2010 6:40am on the 5th floor

Dear Lord,

You are everywhere...I'm not alert enough to see You everywhere when I'm at home, but here (even though not many know you) I see you in the people. The events. The words. The clubs. The performances.

Lord help me to always remember at the heart that You are everywhere, working and loving. Thank You, Lord, for being so close to Your people here at Suita Bible Gospel Church. Thank You for revealing yourself to them...and for how you've made their faithful and willing hearts.

I pray that You would use our team to effectively minister to the SBGC Body. I pray that they would, despite the cultural barriers and potential rejection, be courageous (by Your strength and the joy of knowing You) to touch others as well. I pray that their desire to further the kingdom would not only be manifested in serving within the church, because You call each believer to make You known.

I pray that the people of Osaka would yearn to know You...that they would be curious about the gospel. That their hearts would be softened right now to how You are going to love and bless them, even within this very day. Help them to see that all they have really doesn't come from their own deeds. Help them to wonder where they will be after this life. Help them to be thankful for the good things, and give them eyes to see how the struggles have/will help them. Lord, change the hearts of those who have been exposed to the gospel. Protect the hearts of those who have accepted You, Christ Savior.

Lord, I lift up the JS Club to You. Thank You for invading their hearts/lives and drawing them to SBGC. I pray that our time spent with them would be edifying and filled with the truth. I pray that we would depend on You for the words to say, the gestures to make, the topics that we talk about.

I pray for Yuka. Lord, thank You for knowing her and loving her. For creating her to be a beautiful woman and deep thinker. I pray that You would invade and change her heart. She is 20 and has been coming to church since April to practice English. I know that You were sovereign over the moment that she decided to come. I pray that she would accept Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. I pray that she would get any questions answered and see how good You are and I commit Yuka's heart to You now.

I pray for our day trip to Tokyo today. Help us to see hwo You love Japan and how You have created their culture. Lord, help us to see Japan how You see Japan. Thank You for loving the Japanese and really desiring to reveal Yourself to them....each one who is not even seeking.

I pray for the basketball camp that will start tomorrow. Give us, Lord, the right sensitivity to their hearts so that we can effectively minister/witness to those who don't come to SBGC. May this time of fun/teamwork/good company be glorifying to You. I pray that all who come tomorrow only see Your name glorified. I pray that those who don't see you at all would be drawn to the Body of Christ.

I pray for the English Time in the afternoons, that they would be filled with words and relationships glorifying to You. That as we build these relationships and eventually leave, JS and SBGC would see that that brother/sisterhood can be an everyday experience. Thank You for such a consistent opportunity in the next few days to build a strong relationship with Your people.

Lord, I see Your glory here even though most of the Japanese don't know You and even though the culture is filled with things other than You. I see Your glory in the commitment, the discipline, the kindness/hospitality, the respect. But Lord, I know that You aren't being heard about and thus recognized. I pray that there would be a mass movement of exposure and love as You work in Japan.

Lord I praise You for bringing me here, to Japan where I never would have expected to love this much. I pray that I would keep my eyes open to how You want to grow me, use me, and even bless me. Thank You, Lord, for all that You will be doing.

August 1, 2010. 6:30am in the 5th floor kitchen at SBGC

Isaiah 57:15

"...I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."

The Lord is showing me again how much He wants His people to find Him. He WANTS to be revealed. He's at every opportunity, desiring that a heart is changed or curiosity will be sparked.

(v.18)

"I have seen his ways but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel."

God is here and He's cheering on our every word and action. These words talk about the Japanese people as much as they talk about me or the people at school. I realized this on Wednesday, too, when our team split up for quiet times before our last meeting.

Isaiah 65:1

"I revealed myself to those who did not ask me, I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that did not call my name, I said, 'Here am I, here am I.'"

It's really hard to say goodbye to these people...whom we've only known for 3 weeks but have become so important to us!

WE HAVE FOUR NEW SISTERS IN CHRIST.

God continues to remind me how capable the Japanese (and their culture) are to further the Kingdom! Everything an individual does here is with full commitment and joy, whether it's scrubbing carpets for the church or being involved in a dance club that consumes all time/energy or studying for the next exam (even though it's summer vacation!). I've met a lot of different kinds of people, and their passion for various activities is pretty inspiring-I wish I had that much passion and willingness about school! We were talking about this over dinner tonight....if only they knew the Lord. If only they all heard the good news and really opened their hearts to accepting it!!

Best. Sweat. Ever.

We girls are here in Osaka, Japan...sitting on tatamis in Suita Bible Gospel Church enjoying the God-given AC and quietly journaling because WE LOVE JAPAN and God's already showing us so much!

Today, all that was scheduled was Orientation and Cleaning, so it's been really relaxed simply meeting some of the people who work/volunteer in the church and walking to/from LIFE, the market literally down a block from the SBGC.

I had not expected to be so strongly convicted on the first full day in Japan (we haven't even started evangelizing to non-Christians through the scheduled program yet!) In fact, I had never even expected to be called and brought to a country like Japan that is so polite, closed, economically sound, and pleasant...I had somehow assumed that God would bring me to a poorer country of more open people haha.

"So what do you mean by cleaning, Alay?" you might ask.

Guys were split up between gutter cleaning and replacing lights in the sanctuary..and girls were to scrub carpets! At first, our job seemed insignificant and easy. Okay...girls can do heavy work too -.- but as soon as we got our rags and water, I realized

1. How tiring it was to be getting down on our knees and scrubbing coffee out of the carpet simply when it was so hot

2. How normal of Japanese culture it was to do that! (We never would have done that back home...and if we ever did, we probably would've hired people to scrub stains.)

God's already showing me how serving Him in one place may be completely different from serving Him in another, but each way has the capacity of ministering to His people and furthering the kingdom. And so He brought me through hours of travel to experience how scrubbing coffee stains out of carpet would help immerse me in the culture of Japan..how grateful I am!! Being reminded that such a small act could further His kingdom also gave us so much...passion to continue that seemingly insignificant labor :) It was truly the best sweat ever...

Meanwhile, we met Shinya who is 22 and attends SBGC. He explained that God touches the Japanese through studying (while it's like..music in the US) and that if Japan is going to transform, the Christians really need to continue studying the Word. Pray for that!!! Because with all this high tech going on, the youth are reading/writing/thinking less and less!!! Gotta go :)

Profile of the Lukewarm

I found a letter that I wrote in January 2009, but never sent. I don't know why I didn't send it (maybe I forgot, decided not to, lost it?) but I'm kind of glad I found it because the book it was about is still being borrowed by friends.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Heard of it? This is what I wrote.

"Chapter 4: Profile of the Lukewarm

I love this quote...

'It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity.' -Frederic D. Huntington

And then Chan says,

'...He persists in loving us with unending, outrageous love.' (65)

I love reading/hearing about God's love like that..."outrageous", "crazy". Of course the way that the Bible describes His love is also poetic, powerful, and moving, but it's words like these that I know exactly how to interpret. Chan talks about God's love in a way that blows my mind.

So when I read this chapter, I wrote down the "lukewarm people" points. There are 18, almost all...or pretty much all...or ALL of which apply to me (to one extent or another...but all :( ). This just shows how I've been living life and serving God with so little passion and how I've been feeling satisfied about it because I'm not as "bad" as other people.

My prayer is that this is the start of radical change in your heart, the hearts of all who have/will read this book, and mine. My prayer is that we can leave that comfortable, spiritually sedentary self behind (by the strength of God, of course!)

I was surprised when Chan described us as salt that would "ruin manure" D: Analogies like this have come up so many times in this book already...and each time, I immediately try to get around it. But really? I'm not even good enough for manure...I need to start seeing everything I do in God's eyes."

I learned how to count from 1 to 100 in Japanese. :D

Bring it!

In the next 7 days...

I need to...

-practice and perfect my violin pieces to

-be ready to record by Tuesday

-send the finished takes to Mr.Wang!

-finish more math homework and study to..

-ace three more math tests

-clean my uncleanable room

-finish up typing my 3-minute testimony to send to Kmats to be translated (this should have happened like last week -.-)

-buy omiyage and/or

-burn CD mixes for my host family or friends that I make in Japan!

-take/gather pictures for the photo album that will be used as I make friends in Japan!

-buy any extra/needed clothes for Japan and

-PACK it all!! along with notes, music, journals, etc.

-catch up on worship team reading

-catch my breath

-prep and practice for 2 worship sets

-interview one last worship team member!

-HANG OUT WITH TANYA LIU

-be a better daughter

-remind leadership (Barnaby) to meet at least once or twice while I'm gone

-laugh about reading The Heart of Darkness

-stop eating so much

-PRAY LIKE CRAZYYYYY and put my full trust in the Lord

I feel like summer's almost ending! Summer school. Violin tape. Worship team. New Life. Osaka. Things are starting to wrap up and fall into place...but Mr. VanEnk told us today that multi-tasking actually makes you dumber/slower or something -.- I felt like I was being reminded that these things are doable! I just need to remember to be grateful and to do each thing passionately!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Fragile Hearts

She spins in circles on her toes, smiling to herself.

She daydreams about beautiful, perfect days.

She appreciates the little things.

She has compassion for others.

She stands out in the crowd.

She is very lovable.

She is artsy.

She is humble.

She is gifted.

She is joyful and very funny.

She cries because others break her down.

They call her a failure.

They call her a disappointment.

Her secrets are spilled.

Her closest friends talk behind her back.

She tries so hard in every aspect.

She tries to make a difference.

She has been lonely.

She is a lot of things...but her heart is fragile.

These are just a few of the experiences and characteristics of some of my girlfriends. Some of my sisters. At times, it seems like the world is out to get us. To break us down. But the LORD protects hearts. The LORD is faithful. The LORD loves His daughters more than any human ever could. He is with them, even when they don't know it...and He is sovereign over the brokenness they face.

Big Girls

At winter retreat this past February, I remember seeing the Forever 6th girls (college sophomores from my church) sitting together in a circle...reunited and finally catching up with one another. I remember feeling a pang of jealousy-My girls aren't nearly as close to one another. Will we ever have that? That unity and trust? That comfort? Will we still care about each other in 3 years?

It's strange to think back to freshman year...when we all spent time with each other regularly. We goofed around, but we also learned about the Lord and we experienced His love through the church body and our big brothers and sisters. We were involved in an accountability group with those same senior girls and enjoyed being babied. We saw what it looked like to be supporting one another and to be involved in the lives of our sisters.

We started to grow. We grew to be funnier, stronger, more involved and more independent. We matured, we persevered, we fought, we witnessed, we argued, we created, we learned, we lead. And here we are...yet it hurts to look at us as a class. As "sisters". We've come so far, but even more so, we've become so far apart.

I have never doubted for one second that my girls were/are/will continue to grow into beautiful, successful, loved, active, and happy young women. I have never doubted their ability, intelligence, good intentions, compassionate hearts, zesty humor, talent, and uniqueness. Yet I know that despite our capacity, we're broken as individuals, and as a group that once sought the company and encouragement of one another in times of need or celebration. Our love is no longer free. Our conversations are no longer easy. Our secrets are no longer shared. Our trust is no longer enduring. Our faith is scattered, lost, hopeful, searching, non-existent, or alone.

I'm sitting in my mom's bed, appreciating its consistency, warmth, and faithfulness. Why can't all friendships be this easy? Many friendships are still good, but they take work. Tonight, like so many other nights, I wonder how the two ideas that ...

1. God is sovereign even over our free choice, and

2. that everything put together in His plan is how He will be most glorified

...go hand in hand.

Has He been more glorified these past 3 years than if our lives and friendships were any different? Nevertheless, I know God loves His daughters so much more than I ever could. I want so badly to be His way of assuring them that there IS unconditional love in any circumstance. That there IS grace for all mistakes. That there IS greater joy than we can ever conjure up here in this life. And that there IS only 1 true Love-Christ who was given so that we could choose, know, love, and be loved by the Lord.

God, You are watching over those who have been alone. Show them that You are near, and that You desire their hearts. Show them that Your own heart is broken when they don't choose you. Lord help us to grow as sisters. As parts of the Body. As pieces of a puzzle, so that we can always direct and be directed towards You and the gospel that saved us from sin, death, and emptiness. Help us to learn to forgive, for You first forgave us, and to love, for You first loved us. Instill in our hearts a fiery, growing need to know You more, for there is nothing and no one else as worthy of being known. We're big girls now only because You've brought us thus far...may our lives and love be pleasing to You.

I Love Starbucks for...

-its delicious coffee...any order, any temperature, at any time of the day, and any season of the year.

-the calming, cozy environment.

-the SMELL. Irreplaceable. Sweet. Bitter. Roasty. Full. Familiar.

-the free wi-fi. Finally.

-the community. I'm always bound to find someone I now here. :)

-always being there for me!

And now, I can blog here :D (without some starbucks card/account that never worked, for some reason...)

"LISTEN TO ME"

How many children, students, men, and women in the world scream this in their heads everyday? Do you? I have before.

My summer school teacher's name is Ms. Boyd. She works at Santa Monica High. In American Government, we talked about civil rights and how treatment of minority groups has improved over the decades through riots, sit-ins, boycotts, legislature, speeches, charismatic leaders, brave souls, and exposure. When asked, "Did all of MLK's dreams come true? Do we still face segregation today? Discrimination? Racism?", we all agreed that although there have been major strides taken, people are still facing racism all across the nation.

I guess I'm writing here to vent today. Ms. Boyd began to share about how many of her students are affiliated with gangs...how they jump at the opportunity to be in gangs to make themselves feel good/protected. There are students in gangs, homeless students, illegal immigrant students, drug-dealing students, students who share a one-room apartment with 10 other people, and so on. Then, she told us that two of her students were killed in gang shootings this past year. That means, that while I was crying over tests and stress, two high school students were killed. They were shot because some other racial gang didn't want to be the weak minority group of the city. Their life here ended-no more college, no more marriage, no more family, no more success.

What were their names? What ethnicity were they? What were their dreams? What were their accomplishments? Did they know the Lord? Who knows their story? Who cares?

Today, I'm so saddened by the fact that most of the people in my class (myself included) will probably forget about these two students. Meanwhile, it's really not just these two people. It's hundreds of youth just like me who happen to be placed in neighborhoods, schools, ethnic groups, gangs, businesses, and situations like that...instead of going to Peninsula High in PV, studying to go to a prestigious college like all of us. They're finding drug-users because they can't get a job, while I'm blogging on my netbook and about to go practice the violin. They're being threatened and forced to be involved in violence, while I go home to study and talk to people from my youth group and Christian club and whatever the heck.

When my class heard, and later when I told a couple of friends, my mom, and my cousin, all those two students got was "That's sad." All those kids get is "That's sad." Sure, we've never met them and we can't do anything about the lives that have already been lost, but "THAT'S SAD"?! REALLY??? And we move on to cry about the World Cup. We move on to talk about TWILIGHT. We move on to complain about the weather. We move on to go shopping. Nobody hears. Very few who hear actually care. I don't know about you, but if I was God, I would not be pleased.

I wrote this because I'm afraid of forgetting. I'm ashamed of how I've forget everyday, and I say, "My life sucks." Ms. Boyd is lucky, because she's always being reminded of how blessed she is, and she's in a position that directly allows her to interact with the broken, the hurt, the weak, the lost. Hey, wake up. So are we. I know you've once cried, "Listen to me" when you felt like no one cared. Well there are people all around you, both people who are fortunate and people who have nothing, and they need you to listen to them.

Griffith

Last time I visited Griffith Observatory, I was 14 years old at Ridgecrest. One of the coolest parts of middle school science was the astronomy unit, because as far as I can remember, the only other time we learned about space was third grade. (My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas!) The trip to Griffith was part of an extra credit assignment, I believe, and I went with my friend Kiyana and her dad (and sister?).

This view was one of the most breathtaking views I've ever seen...Please mom...let me go back!!!

Lord, thank You for being so creative..so powerful as to place each star in the universe and each light bulb in the city. So considerate as to clear the air in some of the most beautiful sites. So intimate...that we are reminded of your love and desire to reveal yourself with places like these!!

Summer

Today, Alex Chen asked me, "How do you think summer has affected your walk?"

Throughout many days of this summer, I've complained and stressed about summer school, the violin tape, making up Pre-Calculus, and college preparations. But how I've been blessed :) I've learned not to complain and to see my blessings, not because I'm ignoring what's hard but because the blessings (sometimes hardships are blessings, too) are bigger, true, and God's way of showing me that He's up front and center even when I don't feel like it.

Another thing summer's forcing me to do is to make the effort to apply what I learn from my time with the Lord, church, Osaka prep, and everyday experiences. This summer, PVBC's doing a series on Missional Living. What we learn on Fridays and Sundays often overlaps with our discussions and meditations for Osaka.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3

"¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

I can practice all the guitar, violin, and singing I want. I can study up on books and notes without end. I can preach the gospel to millions. I can get into Harvard!! I can make dinero. I can give to the poor. I can grow to be sooo faithful that that faith could move LAND. But what good is it if I'm not loving? If I'm not taking the love that God's given/is giving me and bringing it to those who don't see/know/feel it? And so, I've been learning to ask,

"How do we direct conversations?"

"How do we love others?"

"How do we live out LOVE everyday?"

"How can we help each other be bold in love?"

"What does it look like to love a non-Christian? A fellow brother/sister?"

Since it's summer, it's really easy to put friendships on hold and not talk to someone until I see them next. (Especially with ToDos and time for daydreaming/playing/studying/internet browsing/music/art/etc.) I know that God's using these lessons (and repeatedly putting sharing/loving on my heart) to remind me how urgent, necessary, and rewarding it is to aim for edifying and progressing relationships. For example, even though my friend Kelly and I disagree on some things, we're able to continue to seek advice, encouragement, and prayer from one another. Through the Osaka preparations, we're both being stretched and challenged, and it gives us the opportunity to establish accountability and support.

This is the same setup at school, too! The Christian Body is constantly challenged to answer questions, love others, reach out, respond with grace, stand out, give, sacrifice, and share...and we could use each other to be stronger, more prepared, and motivated to take action. It would be really cool to start seeing more unity on campus this year. This summer has definitely given me the opportunities to be actively seeking out ways to be more involved in the lives of others. Evidently, it has even helped me out with New Life preparations-praise God!

Mama Hsieh

While other moms worked day and night, you brought out the watercolors for afternoon paint sessions in the kitchen.

While other parents hired a nanny to unwind or take a day off, you always put us in front of yourself and took upon the job of being a single mom every single day.

While other moms gave up on music, you threatened to make us quit for not practicing but I know you kept us at it.

While other parents made millions, you played with kindergarten/pre-school-aged kids for close to no pay.

While other moms were scrambling for advice and a third party to improve their child, you were on top of it and instilled good values and joyful attitudes in your children.

While I shouted and complained, you stood your ground.

While I slacked off, you kept pushing me.

While we made fun of others, you rebuked us.

I want so much for you, Mom. I want you to have that perfect romance. I want you to have company when we leave. I want you to know that you did so well...you didn't fail with your children. I want you to know that your talent in art will always be admired. I want you to relax. I want you to learn how to use a computer and webcam so that we'll still have girl talk. I want you to be unafraid of adventure, because your children have kept you in PV for 18 years.

Your heart for others will always be valued. Your gratefulness for the world's beautiful things will always win over the ToDo Lists and worries. Your smile will always be your best feature. Your jokes will carry you in any situation. And the world will never see another mom like you.

Sweet Awakening.

Very Wrong.

Yesterday we talked about being active in our faith by being with non-Christians and loving them. Loving everyone.

At one point, Kevin said, "Every day that passes where they don't hear about the gospel is another day closer to them spending eternity without God."

I'm comfortable where I am. You tell me. How screwed up is that?

Babay Alay

Junior year is OVER. (ohmygoodness thank You Lord)

I'm a 17 year-old high school senior. I remember thinking that I'd never get here...that becoming 17 would take forever and that life was basically over once you got that old.

And yet, here I am, 17 and

-on the eve of starting college applications.

-feeling like a BABY.

-wishing I knew exactly what God has in store for me.

-looking back at my high school career and wishing I did better, and then...

-asking God why He made me the way I am.

-anticipating growth and change and good times, but

-afraid of growing up.

Where did time go?! How did I get here?

The strangely comforting thing is that as shortcomings and ToDos and fears flood to my mind, the truth is that everything is as it should be.

Word.

I'm about to take a break from finals studying to go preach the gospel! To retell it! To digest and ponder about it. To say it out loud.

To myself.

It's only a month and a half until the Osaka team leaves for Japan...and the preparation process since the team was brought together has been eye and heart-opening. One, it's really crazy to see the need for God not only for Japan but also here at home. When we were talking about the Japanese culture, I knew that many of us PV kids related to the success-driven mindset that we were discussing. The mindset that is lost and hungry for the unconditional love that God offers! Not just offers, but regardless of whether or not we recognize it, He is loving us TO DEATH. Two, the practice that we're putting into sharing our testimonies and the Gospel is not only preparing us for encounters in Japan with Japanese people, but also for our everyday as we aim to live missionally. As we practice and cherish telling of the good news, we're able to prepare ourselves for the hangouts, family dinners, classtime, phone calls, and so on, so that our loved ones can hear about the most important thing: God's love for them!

I think it was freshman year..a friend and I decided to try telling the gospel to ourselves for a few days or a week. If you're curious, perhaps you should try it. I remember it made me realize that the love, life, death, and resurrection of Christ is something that applies to my everyday, not only when I'm on a missions trip.

Sigh, studying for finals is NO excuse for not spending time with the Lord...I'm so thirsty for His reassurances and company! Praise Him for summer! :)

Your pages are filled with hope and linguistic grace

Help me to try and imitate

COFFEE how I miss thee

I just realized that I haven't recorded this. I've been on a coffee fast since the beginning of the year :D I also just realized that I started this blog with the idea of coffee...so hey it's been cool to show myself that it doesn't take some drink to live life and learn!! I'm quite happy with the fact that (for once) I've stuck with a goal all the way through, despite the numerous temptations and instances where I had the opportunity but didn't take it. (Por ejemplo, Saturday mornings when I'm the first one up in the house...or days spent in starbucks, letting the coffee smell seep into my clothes!..)

But it's 3:02am, and it's times like these (sleep-deprived all week and a whole paper/project to do) I wish I could have some coffee. Not necessarily for the caffeine, but for the sweet, satisfying, you-have-company feeling (or actually, the it's-ok-that-you're-up-alone-cos-you-have-coffee feeling...) that everyone gets when they drink coffee. I think you know what I'm talking about. Gum and sweetened organic tea just don't do it :(

SO, here's another way to get a lift :)

PRAISES

-Eric got into NYU!!

-it's Friday.

-the Lord's joy and warmth

-music, my company and outlet and soundtrack

-tea...while I pretend that I'm cupping my hands around a mug of coffee

-lists of thankfulness or praises to lift my spirits and show me how blessed I actually am!

-music lessons that have brought me thus far because I now have the option of doing something I love

-May 3. :D mwrehehehehe

-edifying/encouraging conversations

-some affirmation about going to Japan this summer

-challenge cards: tangible evidence that I've accepted a challenge and that there's work to be done!

-how God watches out for my heart even when I don't know where I'm going or what lies ahead. <3

Oranges

taste like summer.
I can't wait, but at the same time...it's weird to consider all the crazy things God can do in less than four months, and also how quickly that time will just slip through my grasp. I think that the more I believe that He has that power, the bolder I can be. The more I'll allow myself to live with my heart abandoned.

...
Not that I'm overlooking that...but let's just daydream for a sec before I return to my english project.

SUMMER
-beach, park, pier
-jam sesh, sleepovers, movie marathons, lunch, sunsets, reunions, kdramas....
-smoothies, oranges, watermelon, lemonade, ice cream
-FLIP FLOPS, dresses, shorts, tshirts, ponytails
-biking, painting, reading, singing, writing, sleeping, laughing, bonding
-college kids, family, my girls, fantastic 4
-focus, optimism, relaxation, motivation, assurance, conviction, change
-sun, sweat, breeze
-blue, bright

I can almost taste it. Meanwhile, let's thank the Lord for the oranges...because there are still really beautiful, sweet, happiness-provoking things in life today and today was given to us because He is a God of love.

What would we do without lists?

Today I'm thankful for
-the Lord simply prompting me to pray and talk to Him and how that alone made me want to find Him in the Word and made me want Him to change me more.
-the sun! and the windy chilliness, for making those moments of warmth even more special and worth thanking for.
-Alysha Tsuji, good friend since 1st grade :D
-today's violin lesson (and the 1hr/day practice goal. Even though I didn't make it, those few hours made a big difference!)
-slow/no internet, God's way of telling me to focus on Him and the work He has given me.
-lists, for days that I can't mold/sculpt/connect/understand my thoughts but need to throw them up to help with digestion :)

Coming up
-dinner in a few minutes...
-TANYA LIU'S 18TH BIRTHDAY <3 tomorrow.
-math test tomorrow. O_o
-March SAT Saturday
-APUSH and APES tests, of course
-Orchestra festival in Long Beach on Tuesday
-Jamie Sato's sweet 16 surprise Sunday! <3
-CAHSEE=sleep in
-Choir festival rehearsal at Walt Disney Concert Hall

To Do
-make time for the Lord!!!
-pray for college brothers/sisters who have finals (diligence, trust, comfort, rest)
-pray for Christians and non-Christians on campus
-pray about own heart, patience, walk, view of God, compassion, diligence, joy, boldness, hypocrisy, attitude, trust.
-study SAT vocab words
-stop thinking about coffee.
-start next set of key i.d.s. no, really. actually start them this weekend. (only a few sets to go!!!)
-study 1st sem. material for APUSH/APES. f'reals...
-1hr/day practice goal *game face
-find an effective way to keep hands and feet warm in this ice box we call home >.<
-remind Tanya about TNB/Joseph Pfeifer CDs :D
-memorize Chicago choir music -eat less? .. ):
-read more poetry to feel a little cooler.
-ponder the meaning of life.

hah jk, how lucky are we believers that we have a joyful, promising, fulfilling, intimate, bold, and clear purpose!

Get Glad

So Whitney, Spencer, Kelly and I share this Tumblr (blog/twitter-like site), and it's full of "Day Seized" posts...posts that simply and thankfully mention how we've "seized" our various days. Whitney's last post was about how she got mad at work about so many different things. She got mad about how people were treating each other, about traffic, about not having cable etc. A lot of little things, essentially, that just allow the devil to take a hold of our hearts (for everyone). She then realized that she was whining like a baby and asked, "Why spend a new day mad?"

I"ve been getting mad so easily. I really feel sorry for my brother, who sometimes even gets my bad temper when he's trying to be kind. I get whiny and mad at school, at the work there is to do, at my friends for their wrong attitudes (blind to my own :[ ), at my classmates, and even my choir class for talking so darn much that we can't get a productive rehearsal in (sigh).

But why spend a day mad? Especially since this day is given to me so that I could love others and be a light in their lives. I've gotten so comfortable with stepping right alongside the whining and complaining, and I haven't truly made the effort to be set apart by NOT complaining. By saying, "You know, it's okay that we have all this stuff going on. God will provide and His plan has already been made." Maybe I need to believe it a little more. But I only just realized what a big difference that could make...it seems so weird and so abnormal to be the one in the conversation saying that everything's alright and that life is such an amazing gift.

Get glad, because you never know if it'll change a life.

Race

It's kinda sad. It's really sad, actually. Everywhere I look, people are racing against each other. If not with school and grades, then with jobs and income and performance and talent and their own kids' school and grades...the list goes on. Recently, I've experienced one of many direct competitions in high school. This one isn't track or swim or going to music competitions, but presidential debates in my APUSH class. In honor of March Madness, we've all picked presidents and debate for the "Best President" or "Worst President" title..brackets and seeding and everything; you get out of it what you put in. The more research and specifics the better the argument and the more likely Mrs. Tootell will give you points.

That's how it is in this life, isn't it? Or at least in America...the American Dream. Work, and you can gain. We discussed this in English class, too, after finishing The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Was Gatsby great? Yes, because he persevered and kept hope for 5 years and rebuilt his life from nothingness? or No, because he didn't end up getting what he wanted? Was he a complete, pathetically utter failure? By the end of the period, I was saddened to hear how many of my classmates judged his greatness (or the lack thereof) based on his tangible gains or accomplishments, which, in the end, was nothing but death. Yeah, he didn't get the girl and he was shot. The thing is, Gatsby had more hope and direction than any of us have. He had so much hope to the point where it was unhealthy that he really believed he'd get the girl. He invested his heart and efforts for his one true love (although it's debatable whether or not he actually loved her, but that's a different story..). While others argued that it was impractical and foolish, I thought of the millions that don't have half the education, let alone resources and blessings, that we do. Are they not allowed to hope? Are they worthless Gatsbys who should really just stop hoping for the "impractical"? Are we, the disgustingly rich, stuck in the mindset that, in the end, it doesn't matter how you ran the race, it only matters if you've won?

Our generation is so, so lost. At the end of the day, their worth is determined by the number of A's received. By the amount of work they've done. By their popularity and appeal. By the ways they've managed to get ahead of the next person. And so life goes on, and we're all trying to extend our stride or strain our muscles or reach our arms just a little farther, hoping for the temporary. The quick. The immediate pleasure of being able to say or think I'm better than he is. I'm prettier than she is. I'm going to get into a more prestigious college than they are. Little do we understand that we're about to die. We're all about to die...in just a few years...and in reality, what will matter is how we ran the race instead of what we ended up getting.

For the past 6 months, I've slowly and unknowingly transformed into the girl who races for the win. I've hypocritically preached through arguments and conversations that others have been wandering, only seeking the temporary, and I've encouraged my friends to open their eyes to our beautiful and faithful God who is so much more than the security that this life offers. But at the same time, I've spent hours every week daydreaming and worrying about the job. The home. The income. The security. The college. The reputation. The approval.

This week, as I forgot about God and put on my game face to tackle another hard week of junior year, I (to no surprise) came out with nothing. My strains and reaches for the wrong things left me desperately grasping thin air. It was only in the moment I reminded myself (with the kind of only-half-believing-but I-know-the-right-answer-attitude) that my worth and identity is in the Lord. That I have something to hold onto. That someone ALREADY thinks I'm worth something and has a plan for me to do good in His Name.

So, Alayne, how do I run this race?
All I have to say is have faith. Hope.
LOVE.

Connect

The God of the universe who presents all my struggles and accomplishments and blessings and heartbreak so on. THE ONE. The Big Guy :D Abba Father...Daddy. My Shepherd. The One who sees all my sins and all my weaknesses for what they are, and who has already decided my path in this life down to each and every blink of the eye. The God who carved the canyons and sculpted the rivers and expanded the waters and placed the stars in the sky.

This God loves ME?!

One of the strange, mind-blowing, misunderstood ideas that I learned (or re-learned) at retreat is that this very God actually desires time with me. He wants time with me. He loves me, yes, but He also LIKES me enough to say, "Man, I wish she'd just set aside some time. I've been waiting forever to spend time with her....oh she's making time for me! THIS IS SO EXCITING." As Jason Ashimoto described, the Lord loves spending time with us so much that He goes giddy with anticipation.

The first line of David Crowder's song "How He Loves" is
"He is jealous for me"
not jealous of me. not jealous for anything else. God is jealous FOR me....jealous when something else draws my heart and it's not Him. The One who could be spending His infinite time wiping out His disobedient, sinful people with angry tsunami's or earthquakes or plagues..THAT ONE wants to spend time with me. Kinda like how I want to spend time with my sisters. Or how I want to spend alone time with my mom. Simple. Intimate. Ever-growing. Fruitful. Loving. WEIRD RIGHT? God loves me. God likes me. God wants to spend time with me. There's nothing I can do to change it.

Yep, there are no clever ties in this entry. And there's also no way to possibly express what this all means...but at the very least, being reminded of and really understanding this has changed the way I look at my relationship with God. At retreat, I was honestly able to enjoy my chat/convo time with Him, and He definitely revealed Himself to me with every slight breeze and ray of warmth that my jeans would soak up. He met me on the playground, in the chapel, at the top of the hill, during my runs. He met me when I came home, distrusting and scared to face life again. Connecting to Him just takes a greater desire, because we all have the time to make for Him and we definitely need Him more than we can comprehend. My prayer is that we are a people that connects with the Lord each and every day before the other worries and pleasures of life.

God bless.

Today I'm thankful for:

-sunshine
-upstairs section of the library, quiet and cozy <3
-encouraging, joyful, honest friends
-advice/new ideas
-music and the privilege of being able to enjoy it and use it
-hot food
-tea+honey since i had to say goodbye to coffee (for now..)
-kind reminders and convictions about God's goodness and love for me/His people
-love songs.
-chamber choir
-my funny family!

Inhale

After a 4-day week of a lot of motivation, studying, stress, good reminders, and tests, here I am.

Here I am, in the middle of this 26(ish) hour interval between getting out of school and the beginning of Winter Retreat with my youth group and EBCLA! <3

Here I am, taking a deep breath. Inhaling fresh air and thanking the Lord for bringing me thus far.

and

Here I am, like a diver/swimmer before jumping into the water. Like a runner before a race. Like a student sitting before a test.

Here I am, inhaling a breath to brace myself. To ready myself. To calm myself. To anticipate what lies ahead.

Here I am, praising the Lord for being a God so worthy of every minuscule movement, thought, and breath being devoted to Him. For being a God of power who has the strength to move and work beyond what my eyes can see. I'm excited.

Inhale...

Dear Junior Year,

Someone reminded me that the goal towards godliness "would include a growing desire to please Him and glorify Him in the most ordinary activities of life."
Fine.
You are part of my pursuit of godliness. It's still hard to like you, but I can try.

P.S. You gave me a really long week. Excuse my negative attitude.
-Alayne

Dear Junior Year,

I don't like you.
-Alayne

Brian

I suddenly and randomly recalled something from my childhood today. When my step brother, Brian, lived with us, he'd come home from work around midnight. Most of the time I'd be asleep.

In the hallway, right before the doorway (my family kept the hallway lights on until everyone was in bed and the doors open for emergencies...until kitty cat came into our lives), there's a spot that creaks if you step on it. I remember the countless times he'd step on that creak and I'd quickly shut my eyes and bury my face into the pillow. He'd stand there and watch me lay there for a while, and I'd wait for the creak to sound again.

Sometimes, I'd open my eyes or he'd catch me. That's where the deadly tickle attack came in..he always had the worst tickle attacks, but I find myself missing them. Those tickle attacks have turned into warm hugs when he visits home since he got married almost 3 years ago, which I also love.

I dunno, as i remembered this today, I found myself wondering what things would cross his mind as he watched me sleep from the doorway. Most of all, it was surprisingly comforting to think that someone cared to come home and see me lay there even after a long day of work. I'm really lucky to have two step brothers who had the same dad and grew up with him...I think I see a lot of my dad, whom I've never known, just by looking at my 3 brothers. Self-discipline, humor, musicality, SMARTS, height...

I'm almost afraid to let go of this memory. That's why I've posted it here. I miss Brian and Kevin and their foot-jiggling, book-reading, piano-playing, cooking, movie-watching, music-playing, newspaper-flipping, smells, piggy-back-rides, door frame-slapping, and smiles.

The sun still shines on the overcast days, we just can't see it yet.

Beauty Ignored

An two hours ago or so, I looked out the window of our kitchen and thought that my street Elkridge, in that moment, looked beautiful. So I grabbed my bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and stepped outside for a while. My mom has such a green thumb that she'll water the plants before feeding her children (ha-ha), and we have a billiona;sdljf fragrant plants right outside our door. Elkridge Dr. is also a ridiculous hill. One reason I love this is that if I look to my left up the street, I can't help but notice the sky. There were gorgeous skies today :D

I rarely notice beautiful days anymore. I can't wait for summer, when I'm no longer doggy-paddling in the sea of junior year. I can't wait for the warmth and room to breathe. But meanwhile, for the next semester and 2 weeks, God's only asking that I give Him my best. Maybe tomorrow, this motivation will plummet and I'll hate everything again. But right now, it's comforting to know that He'll still provide the perfect afternoons like today to remind me that He's just as good regardless of how well I seem to be doing.

Today I'm thankful for:

-God's faithfulness in being on my heart this week, thus helping me anticipate His blessings and guidance
-the new year that motivates me to improve my lifestyle to be more glorifying to God
-the sun and warmth
-sleep. any sleep.
-music and the blessing that it always is as an outlet.
-mr. deveny, mr. wang, mr. doctor, mr.steiner
-how sgs in the NewLife meeting went down today :)
-brothers and sisters who keep me accountable
-brothers and sisters who encourage me
-mama hsieh and eric who do, in fact, bring me a lot of joy
-tanya liu for being there for me all day everyday. truly sent from God! :) i see you.
-my girls and their silliness
-the examples my discipler and sg leader are to me!
-no tests the first week back from break. God's watching out for my stress level, yet pushing me on at the same time!