Today I flipped through a couple of my journals. I don't know what more to say than that I'm truly...impressed with God's consistency and faithfulness.(As if it's some surprise...) I'm changed in certain areas, but also struggling with the same things in others. It's soon to be 2010, and part of me is expecting all this change in my life. Another part of me knows that God will just keep bringing it on because He loves me so.
January 21
"Other than gifts/tangible blessings, encouragement is a way to bless others. Also, not only God can bless, but we can bless one another."
"Dear Heavenly Father,
You always provide. Thank you."
February 5
"Praise the Lord for providing strength and joyful times this week!"
February 8
"It's crazy to think that not only am I going to church to sing praises, learn about God, and meet Him there, but He's here with me right now at home. The God of the universe is standing so close to me."
February 24
"Lord You are so good and faithful. Through everything, I can say that you have truly provided-even when I didn't turn to You, trust You, and depend on You"
March 21
"What a packed weekend! I can't help but focus on the fact that there's always so much to do. I really need to work on that mindset."
April 24
"I still struggle with balancing my focus on sound (as to not distract the body) and undignified worship to God."
May 8
"But really, God has been pouring out love to me this week. He convicted me and gave me assurance in His love and nature. He gave me opportunities to grow, serve, witness, and encourage. I forget so often. The problem might be that these realizations aren't as powerful as they should be when I actually remember..otherwise, instead of wandering from my mind, they would dwell."
June 25
"I wish I could drag out time. I also wish I could fast forward and skip a whole chunk. Maybe that's enough to show that I underestimate all that God can do and why He makes time work the way it does."
July 12
"Genuine faith always proves itself in good or troubled times."
July 13
"God's working everywhere. In every aspect of my life! I'm way too comfy...who do I think I am?"
"What are things that I'll get disappointed about? Will I be able to say, 'God is still God and I still want to worship'?"
August 19
"Why is it that I care so much about so many things and still haven't done much? I find myself distracted and holding back. Am I afraid to take those steps of faith and to see/let God take me wherever He pleases? There's nothing to loose."
September 18
"I'm suffocating. I'm forgetting who this life is all about ): I'm God-deprived. And I'm sleepy."
"Lord, I commit all of these things to You and trust in Your sovereignty. I believe You are going to use me according to Your will and that You are going to use these people and the circumstances I encounter to affect me. I pray that I would respond to both in ways glorifying to You."
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
On Sunday, one of the moms from church commented on the clothes my friends and I were wearing. She said, "You girls are too young to be wearing gray!"
Later on Sunday, I found out something about a sister that scared me, confused me, and broke my heart. As I looked upon her situation, I found it hard to believe/recall how far apart our lives have become since the beginning of high school and how difficult it has been to continue loving and encouraging her.
Today, I heard the news. A senior from my high school was speeding on Sunday morning and killed a 49 year-old pedestrian. A husband, father of 3, and teacher. Although I was out all day, occasionally recalling this incident and silently wishing he would suffer as he "deserves", I came home to an email that addressed him as a "friend" and his facebook page filled with love and support. He, too, is a son, student, and friend. He, too, is forever broken.
Our world is broken, and God has once again opened my eyes to the reality that is bigger and more important than where I get accepted into college. In this world, there is murder and drugs and hatred. But there is also guilt and shame and loneliness...only my self-righteousness gets in the way before I find it in myself to love those that suffer from these things. How will this boy walk the hallways of school again? How will he grow up seeing himself? Who are we to decide what he deserves when we, too, are sinning against one another and the laws of God with lies, pride, stealing, selfishness, and self-righteousness? And how will we, the Body of Christ, use this situation to glorify God?
It is 4 days before Christmas. That's 4 days before a family celebrates Christmas without a husband/father. But moreover, it's four days before the "birthday" of our Christ, who came down to Earth to give us grace and a full life. In a strange, hard-for-humans-to-understand way, Christ meant for that gift of Christ to be for everyone every day of the year and yet we think we (as "good" people) deserve it more than the murderer. The cheater. The thief. So on.
As humans, we are definitely too young to be wearing gray. Too weak to ever handle any situation on our own. Too confused to discern right from wrong. Too lost to find our own direction. And too sinful to ever meet every expectation. We'll never be ready, or "old enough" to face the darkness of the world alone. The only thing we can do is love others as He loved us, because we don't deserve it any more than the next person. Because we're commanded to do so. Because it's a response to God's gift of love that He so graciously pours out. So this week and in every season of your life, examine the ways that God is blessing you with His love and the opportunity to know Him. And to use any situation to glorify Him, examine the ways that you can bless others with the same love and pour it out on the lost, ashamed, and broken.
[Bitter]sweet awakening.
Later on Sunday, I found out something about a sister that scared me, confused me, and broke my heart. As I looked upon her situation, I found it hard to believe/recall how far apart our lives have become since the beginning of high school and how difficult it has been to continue loving and encouraging her.
Today, I heard the news. A senior from my high school was speeding on Sunday morning and killed a 49 year-old pedestrian. A husband, father of 3, and teacher. Although I was out all day, occasionally recalling this incident and silently wishing he would suffer as he "deserves", I came home to an email that addressed him as a "friend" and his facebook page filled with love and support. He, too, is a son, student, and friend. He, too, is forever broken.
Our world is broken, and God has once again opened my eyes to the reality that is bigger and more important than where I get accepted into college. In this world, there is murder and drugs and hatred. But there is also guilt and shame and loneliness...only my self-righteousness gets in the way before I find it in myself to love those that suffer from these things. How will this boy walk the hallways of school again? How will he grow up seeing himself? Who are we to decide what he deserves when we, too, are sinning against one another and the laws of God with lies, pride, stealing, selfishness, and self-righteousness? And how will we, the Body of Christ, use this situation to glorify God?
It is 4 days before Christmas. That's 4 days before a family celebrates Christmas without a husband/father. But moreover, it's four days before the "birthday" of our Christ, who came down to Earth to give us grace and a full life. In a strange, hard-for-humans-to-understand way, Christ meant for that gift of Christ to be for everyone every day of the year and yet we think we (as "good" people) deserve it more than the murderer. The cheater. The thief. So on.
As humans, we are definitely too young to be wearing gray. Too weak to ever handle any situation on our own. Too confused to discern right from wrong. Too lost to find our own direction. And too sinful to ever meet every expectation. We'll never be ready, or "old enough" to face the darkness of the world alone. The only thing we can do is love others as He loved us, because we don't deserve it any more than the next person. Because we're commanded to do so. Because it's a response to God's gift of love that He so graciously pours out. So this week and in every season of your life, examine the ways that God is blessing you with His love and the opportunity to know Him. And to use any situation to glorify Him, examine the ways that you can bless others with the same love and pour it out on the lost, ashamed, and broken.
[Bitter]sweet awakening.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Squint
The sun is finallyyyyyy out! I haven't been outside yet (Mama Hsieh wouldn't let me go to church) but I'm pretty sure the clouds are still out and the brightness isn't squint quality.
But I don't mind the rain/fog/cloudiness so much after all..Last night was just a reminder that the ultimate plan is in God's plan and is glorifying to Him!!
I often think of my own life as the most important thing God could be deciding on, and the convictions about a greater plan are mere head-knowledge facts. How can I believe that I'm only a small part of a bigger plan when thoughts about my future are running through my mind all day everyday? When the environment which I'm immersed in is all about me? Which college will I go to? What am I going to be doing for the rest of my life? Will I love it? How hard is it going to be? Will I keep in touch with certain people? When will my loved ones die? Who am I going to marry? What grade am I going to get in this class?
As we all leave these questions unanswered, the only things we have to fall back on are those that are consistent. That we're sure of. Last night, the knowledge of God's consistency went from head knowledge to heart knowledge. He consistently proves us wrong, and He consistently calms our worries. He consistently proves to us that He is powerful and that involved in the details of our lives. He is consistent in faithfulness and in love.
Because it's December and so darn chilly outside, we decided to have hot drinks at the Crescendo coffeehouse. We don't need the sun! We've got the warmth and coziness of fellowship and delicious hot chocolate/apple cider! Then, this morning I was reminded that the sun also provides light, not just warmth. Even though it was already 10am, it still seemed overcast outside. And as I remembered God's overwhelming grace, love, and sovereignty, I found it hard to look/think upon it all at once. Our purpose in Him is always consistent and directed toward glorifying Him, even though it can be stressful/difficult. But it's somewhat comforting to recall that there's something worthy (MORE than worthy) to strive for. Something so big and good and warm and bright that thinking about it almost makes me squint.
But I don't mind the rain/fog/cloudiness so much after all..Last night was just a reminder that the ultimate plan is in God's plan and is glorifying to Him!!
I often think of my own life as the most important thing God could be deciding on, and the convictions about a greater plan are mere head-knowledge facts. How can I believe that I'm only a small part of a bigger plan when thoughts about my future are running through my mind all day everyday? When the environment which I'm immersed in is all about me? Which college will I go to? What am I going to be doing for the rest of my life? Will I love it? How hard is it going to be? Will I keep in touch with certain people? When will my loved ones die? Who am I going to marry? What grade am I going to get in this class?
As we all leave these questions unanswered, the only things we have to fall back on are those that are consistent. That we're sure of. Last night, the knowledge of God's consistency went from head knowledge to heart knowledge. He consistently proves us wrong, and He consistently calms our worries. He consistently proves to us that He is powerful and that involved in the details of our lives. He is consistent in faithfulness and in love.
Because it's December and so darn chilly outside, we decided to have hot drinks at the Crescendo coffeehouse. We don't need the sun! We've got the warmth and coziness of fellowship and delicious hot chocolate/apple cider! Then, this morning I was reminded that the sun also provides light, not just warmth. Even though it was already 10am, it still seemed overcast outside. And as I remembered God's overwhelming grace, love, and sovereignty, I found it hard to look/think upon it all at once. Our purpose in Him is always consistent and directed toward glorifying Him, even though it can be stressful/difficult. But it's somewhat comforting to recall that there's something worthy (MORE than worthy) to strive for. Something so big and good and warm and bright that thinking about it almost makes me squint.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Blind Side
My mom just told me that the news was telling everyone to bring their pets etc. inside. A homeless woman recently froze to death.
At first I just say, "That's sad...", but I realize how narrow my scope of the world is. Where I'm standing, all I can see is my world: school at Peninsula, homework at home, extracurricular activities, and church at PVBC. I just got sick, and with finals looming and countless December events/gigs to prepare for, I think I have it bad. Sickness is the last thing I need. Like this is all the worst combo that could happen. When I remember that there are people like this suffering much greater problems, the conviction is temporary and I forget, quickly moving onto another.
I think there's a small (and deceptive) voice in my head telling me that it's not my place or time to be helping those people. Or that I can simply do it later. There's this mentality that where I am, and all academics and the ministry that I surround my life around, is all that I'm responsible for. I've forgotten my responsibilities according to God's standards and the incredible ability of prayer. PRAYER which asks of God and prompts His movement...I can be praying for these people..interceding for strangers and non-believers and those who endure the world without hope. I can be asking God to soften their hearts to His presence and joy and comfort.
I forget to pray for the sick/hungry unless I'm asked to. I forget that our God is powerful and faithful and loving. I think of Him as this far off figure that I'm serving without truly knowing. Now I pray that this conviction would last, and that if I do forget, that I would be reminded. While I sit here knowing the luxuries of food, shelter, education, family, and abundant blessings, I still lack something. That woman saw and understood true suffering. Regarding this, she had a greater scope of the world.
Lord, even if it means taking away these blessings, please help me to understand suffering so that what breaks Your heart would break mine. Give me less so that this would no longer be a blind side, but a daily conviction of the heart. Help me to love. Be with, watch over, and speak to those who are truly suffering from hopelessness, pressure, burdens, sickness. Provide for the homeless and feed the hungry. Spread the Word. Guide the lost. Convict the proud.
At first I just say, "That's sad...", but I realize how narrow my scope of the world is. Where I'm standing, all I can see is my world: school at Peninsula, homework at home, extracurricular activities, and church at PVBC. I just got sick, and with finals looming and countless December events/gigs to prepare for, I think I have it bad. Sickness is the last thing I need. Like this is all the worst combo that could happen. When I remember that there are people like this suffering much greater problems, the conviction is temporary and I forget, quickly moving onto another.
I think there's a small (and deceptive) voice in my head telling me that it's not my place or time to be helping those people. Or that I can simply do it later. There's this mentality that where I am, and all academics and the ministry that I surround my life around, is all that I'm responsible for. I've forgotten my responsibilities according to God's standards and the incredible ability of prayer. PRAYER which asks of God and prompts His movement...I can be praying for these people..interceding for strangers and non-believers and those who endure the world without hope. I can be asking God to soften their hearts to His presence and joy and comfort.
I forget to pray for the sick/hungry unless I'm asked to. I forget that our God is powerful and faithful and loving. I think of Him as this far off figure that I'm serving without truly knowing. Now I pray that this conviction would last, and that if I do forget, that I would be reminded. While I sit here knowing the luxuries of food, shelter, education, family, and abundant blessings, I still lack something. That woman saw and understood true suffering. Regarding this, she had a greater scope of the world.
Lord, even if it means taking away these blessings, please help me to understand suffering so that what breaks Your heart would break mine. Give me less so that this would no longer be a blind side, but a daily conviction of the heart. Help me to love. Be with, watch over, and speak to those who are truly suffering from hopelessness, pressure, burdens, sickness. Provide for the homeless and feed the hungry. Spread the Word. Guide the lost. Convict the proud.
whoa
i'm grateful for a brother who can tell that something's wrong from across the amphitheater. we can fight and tease all we want, but he still knows me. to a certain extent, he still knows me. and cares.
weird...eric? :)
weird...eric? :)
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