COFFEE how I miss thee

I just realized that I haven't recorded this. I've been on a coffee fast since the beginning of the year :D I also just realized that I started this blog with the idea of coffee...so hey it's been cool to show myself that it doesn't take some drink to live life and learn!! I'm quite happy with the fact that (for once) I've stuck with a goal all the way through, despite the numerous temptations and instances where I had the opportunity but didn't take it. (Por ejemplo, Saturday mornings when I'm the first one up in the house...or days spent in starbucks, letting the coffee smell seep into my clothes!..)

But it's 3:02am, and it's times like these (sleep-deprived all week and a whole paper/project to do) I wish I could have some coffee. Not necessarily for the caffeine, but for the sweet, satisfying, you-have-company feeling (or actually, the it's-ok-that-you're-up-alone-cos-you-have-coffee feeling...) that everyone gets when they drink coffee. I think you know what I'm talking about. Gum and sweetened organic tea just don't do it :(

SO, here's another way to get a lift :)

PRAISES

-Eric got into NYU!!

-it's Friday.

-the Lord's joy and warmth

-music, my company and outlet and soundtrack

-tea...while I pretend that I'm cupping my hands around a mug of coffee

-lists of thankfulness or praises to lift my spirits and show me how blessed I actually am!

-music lessons that have brought me thus far because I now have the option of doing something I love

-May 3. :D mwrehehehehe

-edifying/encouraging conversations

-some affirmation about going to Japan this summer

-challenge cards: tangible evidence that I've accepted a challenge and that there's work to be done!

-how God watches out for my heart even when I don't know where I'm going or what lies ahead. <3

Oranges

taste like summer.
I can't wait, but at the same time...it's weird to consider all the crazy things God can do in less than four months, and also how quickly that time will just slip through my grasp. I think that the more I believe that He has that power, the bolder I can be. The more I'll allow myself to live with my heart abandoned.

...
Not that I'm overlooking that...but let's just daydream for a sec before I return to my english project.

SUMMER
-beach, park, pier
-jam sesh, sleepovers, movie marathons, lunch, sunsets, reunions, kdramas....
-smoothies, oranges, watermelon, lemonade, ice cream
-FLIP FLOPS, dresses, shorts, tshirts, ponytails
-biking, painting, reading, singing, writing, sleeping, laughing, bonding
-college kids, family, my girls, fantastic 4
-focus, optimism, relaxation, motivation, assurance, conviction, change
-sun, sweat, breeze
-blue, bright

I can almost taste it. Meanwhile, let's thank the Lord for the oranges...because there are still really beautiful, sweet, happiness-provoking things in life today and today was given to us because He is a God of love.

What would we do without lists?

Today I'm thankful for
-the Lord simply prompting me to pray and talk to Him and how that alone made me want to find Him in the Word and made me want Him to change me more.
-the sun! and the windy chilliness, for making those moments of warmth even more special and worth thanking for.
-Alysha Tsuji, good friend since 1st grade :D
-today's violin lesson (and the 1hr/day practice goal. Even though I didn't make it, those few hours made a big difference!)
-slow/no internet, God's way of telling me to focus on Him and the work He has given me.
-lists, for days that I can't mold/sculpt/connect/understand my thoughts but need to throw them up to help with digestion :)

Coming up
-dinner in a few minutes...
-TANYA LIU'S 18TH BIRTHDAY <3 tomorrow.
-math test tomorrow. O_o
-March SAT Saturday
-APUSH and APES tests, of course
-Orchestra festival in Long Beach on Tuesday
-Jamie Sato's sweet 16 surprise Sunday! <3
-CAHSEE=sleep in
-Choir festival rehearsal at Walt Disney Concert Hall

To Do
-make time for the Lord!!!
-pray for college brothers/sisters who have finals (diligence, trust, comfort, rest)
-pray for Christians and non-Christians on campus
-pray about own heart, patience, walk, view of God, compassion, diligence, joy, boldness, hypocrisy, attitude, trust.
-study SAT vocab words
-stop thinking about coffee.
-start next set of key i.d.s. no, really. actually start them this weekend. (only a few sets to go!!!)
-study 1st sem. material for APUSH/APES. f'reals...
-1hr/day practice goal *game face
-find an effective way to keep hands and feet warm in this ice box we call home >.<
-remind Tanya about TNB/Joseph Pfeifer CDs :D
-memorize Chicago choir music -eat less? .. ):
-read more poetry to feel a little cooler.
-ponder the meaning of life.

hah jk, how lucky are we believers that we have a joyful, promising, fulfilling, intimate, bold, and clear purpose!

Get Glad

So Whitney, Spencer, Kelly and I share this Tumblr (blog/twitter-like site), and it's full of "Day Seized" posts...posts that simply and thankfully mention how we've "seized" our various days. Whitney's last post was about how she got mad at work about so many different things. She got mad about how people were treating each other, about traffic, about not having cable etc. A lot of little things, essentially, that just allow the devil to take a hold of our hearts (for everyone). She then realized that she was whining like a baby and asked, "Why spend a new day mad?"

I"ve been getting mad so easily. I really feel sorry for my brother, who sometimes even gets my bad temper when he's trying to be kind. I get whiny and mad at school, at the work there is to do, at my friends for their wrong attitudes (blind to my own :[ ), at my classmates, and even my choir class for talking so darn much that we can't get a productive rehearsal in (sigh).

But why spend a day mad? Especially since this day is given to me so that I could love others and be a light in their lives. I've gotten so comfortable with stepping right alongside the whining and complaining, and I haven't truly made the effort to be set apart by NOT complaining. By saying, "You know, it's okay that we have all this stuff going on. God will provide and His plan has already been made." Maybe I need to believe it a little more. But I only just realized what a big difference that could make...it seems so weird and so abnormal to be the one in the conversation saying that everything's alright and that life is such an amazing gift.

Get glad, because you never know if it'll change a life.

Race

It's kinda sad. It's really sad, actually. Everywhere I look, people are racing against each other. If not with school and grades, then with jobs and income and performance and talent and their own kids' school and grades...the list goes on. Recently, I've experienced one of many direct competitions in high school. This one isn't track or swim or going to music competitions, but presidential debates in my APUSH class. In honor of March Madness, we've all picked presidents and debate for the "Best President" or "Worst President" title..brackets and seeding and everything; you get out of it what you put in. The more research and specifics the better the argument and the more likely Mrs. Tootell will give you points.

That's how it is in this life, isn't it? Or at least in America...the American Dream. Work, and you can gain. We discussed this in English class, too, after finishing The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Was Gatsby great? Yes, because he persevered and kept hope for 5 years and rebuilt his life from nothingness? or No, because he didn't end up getting what he wanted? Was he a complete, pathetically utter failure? By the end of the period, I was saddened to hear how many of my classmates judged his greatness (or the lack thereof) based on his tangible gains or accomplishments, which, in the end, was nothing but death. Yeah, he didn't get the girl and he was shot. The thing is, Gatsby had more hope and direction than any of us have. He had so much hope to the point where it was unhealthy that he really believed he'd get the girl. He invested his heart and efforts for his one true love (although it's debatable whether or not he actually loved her, but that's a different story..). While others argued that it was impractical and foolish, I thought of the millions that don't have half the education, let alone resources and blessings, that we do. Are they not allowed to hope? Are they worthless Gatsbys who should really just stop hoping for the "impractical"? Are we, the disgustingly rich, stuck in the mindset that, in the end, it doesn't matter how you ran the race, it only matters if you've won?

Our generation is so, so lost. At the end of the day, their worth is determined by the number of A's received. By the amount of work they've done. By their popularity and appeal. By the ways they've managed to get ahead of the next person. And so life goes on, and we're all trying to extend our stride or strain our muscles or reach our arms just a little farther, hoping for the temporary. The quick. The immediate pleasure of being able to say or think I'm better than he is. I'm prettier than she is. I'm going to get into a more prestigious college than they are. Little do we understand that we're about to die. We're all about to die...in just a few years...and in reality, what will matter is how we ran the race instead of what we ended up getting.

For the past 6 months, I've slowly and unknowingly transformed into the girl who races for the win. I've hypocritically preached through arguments and conversations that others have been wandering, only seeking the temporary, and I've encouraged my friends to open their eyes to our beautiful and faithful God who is so much more than the security that this life offers. But at the same time, I've spent hours every week daydreaming and worrying about the job. The home. The income. The security. The college. The reputation. The approval.

This week, as I forgot about God and put on my game face to tackle another hard week of junior year, I (to no surprise) came out with nothing. My strains and reaches for the wrong things left me desperately grasping thin air. It was only in the moment I reminded myself (with the kind of only-half-believing-but I-know-the-right-answer-attitude) that my worth and identity is in the Lord. That I have something to hold onto. That someone ALREADY thinks I'm worth something and has a plan for me to do good in His Name.

So, Alayne, how do I run this race?
All I have to say is have faith. Hope.
LOVE.