Today I'm thankful for...

-God's character. His loving grace and our beautiful, unbelievable salvation through Christ. All His glory and magnificence. His BIGNESS. His intimate and compassionate heart and hands. The fact that He is trustworthy because He is good and powerful and sovereign. His humor and unexpected ways of working. That He is love, and that Love sent Love to die for me. The way His heart breaks for me and all the people of the world. His plan.His laws. His warmth.

-The family. My family is HUGE...God decided to give me a large, joyful, smart, generous, patient, and encouraging family/network of blood-relatives and brothers and sisters in Christ. If you are reading this, you're in my family :) It seems that everywhere I turn in any stage/situation of my life, my family is waiting to give me advice, comfort, or simply to listen. I'm in awe of every member of my family...that God has used them to meet my needs and to bless me more than I could ever imagine with great times and wholehearted relationships.

-Where I am. More often than not, it's hard to imagine that I'm where I am for a reason. That God placed me in this stage of life with all of these situations because He loves me and because He wants me closer to Him. "Where I am" encompasses all the joys, accomplishments, struggles, doubts, thankfulness, bitterness, laziness, fears, thankfulness, brokenness, and strength in me and in my life right now. Each of them give me a way to glorify Him, and I just need the open eyes to see how and heart to take a step towards Him. So even though life often seems hopeless/restraining/unfair/etc., I'm thankful because He actually has it under control. Real control...not the kind of control I often think I have over this life :)

-The past. When I look back at the past few years, I can see a lot of why God did what He did and how He's loved me through both great and horrible times. There have been bad grades, broken friendships, complicated relationships, miscommunication, impatience, and many many slip-ups. More often than not, recalling these excites me for the future and how God's going to completely transform my life in ways I would never expect. Sometimes, I'm ashamed of who I used to be...but boy does it show how faithfully and powerfully God will respond to an open heart. It gives me hope for the power He has enabled/given each of us to love and guide the lost and broken who are where I used to be.

-The mama. The single parent who might not have ever experienced the prince/princess/romantic love everyone's searching for. The one who's husband died a year after her second child was born. The one who came from Taiwan at 22 and allowed herself to be swept away by the beauty of life through music and ART. Who's been to Kenya, danggit. The one who exemplifies a woman and mother who LOVES because she sacrifices...yet probably has a hard time seriously or explicitly showing that love. Honestly, we avoid her around the house sometimes just because we don't want to be nagged at. But the nagging, feeding, and instilling of ideals is, if you think about it, quite unbelievable. The fact that she's this alive and this successful (hopefully apparent through us..Eric and I aren't that bad right? >.<) after 15 years of parenting alone.. Two children, a million activities, one worn-out persevering mom. Oh, and she's hilarious.

-Music. Simply how God created it so that we could be guided into His presence. It helps people feel and understand. It helps people vomit their thoughts and communicate what cannot be said..and it gives a little something (an audible lift or fall) to simple poetry. It fills empty space and awkward situations, and it brings ethnically separated people together (COOL right?). It dedicates and it remembers and it anticipates. It grows and it symbolizes. It wakes me up and puts me to sleep..and it uses gut. It is an art, study, performance, and act all in one. Oh my, and how it beats and flows..how a violin or piano has the ability to sing and how a guitar can be the drums and bass at the same time. Someonestopme i could go on forever....

and some things that don't need lengthy explanations (a.k.a. I need to sleep soon/I'll spare you the time&effort of reading it all..)

-honest conversations

-prayer

-the girls

-the big brothers/sisters

-the discipler and sg leader (my spiritual mamas :D)

-sarcasm

-life lessons

-YOUTUBE?

-notebooks/journals/lists/blogs

-coffee...starbucks..

-reminders/accountability

-romantic movies.

-outdoors/stars/quietness

-junk food

-kitty cat and how simple her life is...

-my guitar :)

-HOLIDAY SEASON. *gives a little dance*

3 in the morn'

I'll get angry if I want to.
Stop trying to get in my way.
Stop assuming that you know it all...you don't know half the story.
What the heck did I do to deserve this?
The world is definitely against me.
Everything must hate me. Everyone must hate me.
Life planned to throw all of this at my face at the same time.

or...

Did the good and sovereign God intimately, specifically, and lovingly place me where I am?

Currently Listening To: "Hymn"-Brooke Fraser

I'm sitting here, cramming for tests and assignments that feel like they determine everything about my future and who I am. I'm sitting here wishing I had more knowledge, talent, and control. This has been what's going on almost every day of junior year.

Suddenly, I remember that there are people who wonder how they're going to live their life without an education/support system/opportunities. Without someone to love them. Without money, food, water, or shelter. Without advice, encouragement, or support. WITH cancer, Alzheimer's, autism, ALS, and other disabilities. With abusive environments. With worlds of fear, hopelessness, and suffering. There are people wondering how they're going to live the next 6 months because that's all they have. There are people wondering whether or not they'll see their loved ones again. The ocean again. Their home again. Whether or not they'll see another day. And it breaks God's heart that I'm lounging in paradise wishing I had more.

What am I choosing to dwell in?
What are we meant to feel? To do in this world?
Lord, please continue to break me.
Lord, thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

"Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become"
"C.S. Lewis Song"-Brooke Fraser

(Bitter)sweet Awakening.

New Appreciation for...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOPjbajrRXs

-choral music!!
-God's purpose in me
-small challenges
-silly friends
-funny, knowledgeable, hard-core teachers
-the falls that lead to my dependence on God's strength
-mama hsieh
-our cramped up, messy, and cozy small group room
-acoustics in the bathroom
-live recordings
-cold weather
-bluntness and honesty
-weekends...

Who am I?

It gets really frustrating sometimes, doesn't it? Our God allows pain, loneliness, tears, hunger, betrayal, disappointment, misunderstandings, shortcomings, and disease. So many of His people face trials and good people suffer everyday.
Who are You, God, to promise abundant blessings and a fulfilled life and to give us CRAP?
Who are You to ignore our prayers?
Who are You to take our loved ones?
Who are You to let injustice go unpunished?
The list goes on. I know this because in my limited faith and view of Christ, I am the one asking God why He isn't the God we're told He is. I am the one asking why things aren't perfect.

But I stand here now and look back at the past couple of weeks..
-the Lord wants me to remember Him, so that I may worship Him and have communion with Him ("Remembrance"-Matt Redman)
-the Lord seeks my time, set apart for Him, and my heart, devoted to Him, in all that I do. (the story of Mary and Martha..Luke 10:38-42)
-the Lord is a God of love, not hate/anger/punishment (John 3:17) and means for US to love as He does (Nooma video "Bullhorn")

It seems to me as though God is perhaps, maybe, possibly, TOTALLY bigger than we know. This God that I'm questioning is worth remembering and worshiping. He's MORE than worth my devotion of heart and time and efforts. And ultimately, we're here because He has a plan for us: TO LOVE. I really caught a glimpse of how limited my view of God is today. Those questions which flew so confidently from my heart suddenly turned into a whopping..

Who am I to ever question God's character, plan, faithfulness, and worth?

This God we all talk about...none of us really have an accurate idea of His love. And boy He IS love like no other! He IS love in all that He is and does. It surely takes a great amount of faith to believe that He's even there, but for believers, the challenge now is to have faith in His love. This love that will never be grasped or understood..we just need to believe in it. Why? Love is the basis of our lives. This love is from God, and if we can even think or hope to glorify Him, we need to have faith in His greater love.

We could spend infinite hours squeezing our eyes shut or searching scripture attempting to understand more of His love. I'm not saying that we shouldn't. But I've just been blown away by how recognition of it can change my way of thinking and living, and I believe that He meant to use homecoming--> canceled fnf--> a conversation with a sister to open my eyes to my constant misunderstanding of God and to praise Him for being greater than I understand.

I Choose...

Eternal joy over temporary happiness.
Kindness over cruelty.
Love over hate.
The internal over the external.
The battle over the easy life.
The Rock over wandering.
Warmth over coldness.
Light over darkness.
His plan over mine.
Encouragement over gossip.
Diligence over laziness.
Courage over fear.
Worship over music.
Selflessness over selfishness.
Humility over pride.
Wholeheartedness over halfheartedness.
Smiles over frowns.
Hope over discouragement.
Trust over doubt.
Wisdom over knowledge.
Persecution over acceptance.
The uncomfortable over the comfortable.

To be set apart for the glory of the Lord over being one with the world.
To commit my life and my heart to the God that gave it all because He loves a loser like me (and you).
To allow Him to take over my heart.
To recognize my dependence on Him for anything good.

To remember. To believe. To know in my head, and to know with my heart.