Something I learned on a hike over spring break is that God doesn't expect me to be more fit or fast than I am. He knows my weaknesses better than I do, and He knows what I'm capable of. If I am less able than the ideal version of myself, He meets me where I'm at with patience and grace and He walks with me, providing encouragement and motivation and pointing out all the joyful, beautiful things about the journey while I'm walking and climbing.

God, help me to love people in this way. Help me to not expect them to be where I'm at or expect them to be the ideal version of themselves. Rather, help me to meet them where they're at and never give or expect more than they can handle. And for their challenges that YOU have knowingly and lovingly placed in their lives, help me to walk alongside them because they are CAPABLE they just need someone to walk with and encourage them. Help me to see and point out the beautiful things on the way that they might otherwise miss because of the distractions and discouragement.

Smile for Finals!

On the very hour-eve of my first college final, I am comforted, calm, and free. Maybe that's something our parents don't want to hear...we've got to care! And I do. I do.

But to you, what are finals? Why should you care?

Throughout high school, I've understood the gospel. I've recited it and shared it and told it to myself. Yet without entirely realizing it, I haven't been living in full freedom. I would lug around my sins and past mistakes. Some of them I know I committed out of little faith in our real and perfect God. Some of them I committed out of idolatry. Then, out of seeking to please the flesh. From lying to being prideful to skipping a date with God for sleep, I made one mistake after another and I saw their familiar faces regularly in my life. Because I woke up in the morning and remembered these sins before I remembered God, I would unconsciously stop meditating on the freedom Jesus Christ has bought for us.

What has been your spiritual struggle? I ask because I think God is trying very hard to reveal truth to you. Since coming to college, He has graciously poured out conversation after conversation, sermon after sermon, verse after verse, and worship experiences/meetings galore for me to experience His freedom. His acceptance. His embrace. I'll be honest-I still struggle with guilt. With remembering the weight that Christ held on His shoulders.

But praise God, I've tasted the freedom He had always intended for me.

Finals are a blessing. School is a blessing. Money to go to school is a blessing. Sleep is a blessing. Think about it-it's more than you need. More than you need to survive. More than you need to worship. CARE because it's God's gift to you. But brothers and sisters, be free, because when we fail to do well, there is freedom.

Sweet Awakening.

Romantic

"Fanciful. Impractical. Dominated by idealism. A desire for adventure. Chivalry. Characterized by preoccupation with love. Displaying or expressing love or strong affection."

From what started as plans to have a girls night on this particular Friday, God surprised us and drew us near. After excitedly getting together and devouring a delicious meal of In-n-Out (complete with burger, fries, and a milkshake) we go and buy 6 pints of ice cream and return to Chapman to bake brownies. Then, we snuggle close and share our stories and watch Despicable Me.

On a whim, we decide to visit Huntington beach after we hear that there were NEON WAVES. "Bioluminescent" waves. My friend Nicole claims it is one of the coolest things she's ever seen...so precious that she was afraid that she would never see them again. So she pounces at the chance to go.

At first, these waves are simply exciting and unique. But when we get to the edge of the water, they are awe-inspiring. They're romantic...like a beautiful view to soak in on a date. The kind that you can watch for hours on end. As we examine the coastline, we wait for the waves to crash a glowing green-blue. The ocean is dark, and blends with the clear, starry night sky. We have no idea where one ends and the other begins, but it doesn't matter. The whole scene is vast and infinite. Immeasurable. Mysterious. Within the darkness, there are facts and stories and life that we don't know...yet we can trust that it's beautiful. Sure, it's biological. It's science. But it's God's biology. It sure isn't a coincidence that nature could make glowing waves...or that nature can fill our sky with a specific arrangement of stars...or that nature said, "Okay, since the girls are coming tonight, I'm going to do this for them."

We stand at the edge of the water, scanning the view and anticipating the next set of waves. They don't simply rise and crash. The waves expand. They rush and stretch and fly, as if God is simply tracing His finger through the darkness and leaving behind a trail of magic. They come out of nowhere. Out of nothingness. We point our toes and rake them through the wet sand as a trail of light follows us then disappears. The color and nature of the glow reminds me of life within an object...like a candle in a lantern or God's spirit in the bush that spoke to Moses.

We remind each other that this is God meeting us. That God created every drop of water and orchestrated the nature of every wave that crashes. We remind each other that this is God, fighting to meet with us. This is a romantic, affectionate gift from a CRAZY, IMPRACTICAL GOD. Who else in their right minds would bless us in abundance when we doubt and neglect him? Who else would meet with us? Who else would fight against everything in this world to be with us? Who else would fervently push and nudge and fight just for a moment of our attention? Who else values being with us as much as He does?

I realize that with all these talks and hypocrisy and laziness and apathy, WE are the impractical ones. How can we respond back to God with anything but gratefulness and a passionate desire to know Him back and explore more of THIS?

I wasn't going to get my feet wet, but I decide that I can't leave without saying, "Hi" back. It blows my mind that the powerful, deep, thick, glowing waves that we see in the distance come all the way to our feet in a tender meeting. The water calmly rushes around my ankles and under my feet, shifting the sand and getting between my toes. It's chilly and wakes me right up. It excites me. It smells and feels like life. The water comes and goes, but comes again. The waves we see roar and shout, but the pool that surrounds us is silent and hushed.

Our God is off in the distance. He's around the whole world...in every nook and cranny...showing off His power and love to people everywhere. But He's also fully with us. Near. Personal. Intentional.

Awake. Exciting. Surprising. Showoff. Display. Maker. Here. There. Safe. Refuge. Awe. Excitement. Unpredictable. Immeasurable. Vast. New Life. Unchanging. Personal. Music. Breath. Faithfulness. Grace. Purpose. Time. Affection. Gifts. Sights and sounds. Silence. Retreat. Alone. Together.

Romantic.

Challenge

This week, I'm going to try to pray 10+ minutes everyday.

Can you do it?

If you're like me, your excuse in the morning is that if you close your eyes after having just woken up, you'll fall back asleep. Or there's breakfast to eat and class to walk to.

or your excuse in the afternoon is that there's homework to do, people to talk to, facebook to check, food to eat, errands to run.

your excuse once you're done with all that is that you "need" rest. you need to take a mental break and just hang out. just do nothing. you deserve it, right?

then, your excuse late at night is that you're tired. there's no way you can pray right before heading to bed, and taking 10 minutes away from our 6+ hours of sleep is just too much.

You silently promise that you'll spend time with God tomorrow.

You do this everyday.

Tomorrow passes.

The week passes.

The month passes and you say you believe and you're in a relationship with God

But He hasn't heard from you recently...

10 min = 1/6 of an hour

1 hour=1/24 of a day

1 day=1/7 of a week

Can you do it?

Journal Entry from Monday, January 17, 2011

To Do:

-mail out LMU recording

-mail out Pepperdine supplement

-Prepare for Pepperdine, Chapman, CSUF, CSULB auditions

-study for theory diagnostics

fear of...

judgement

rejection

inadequacy

comparison

failure

forgetfulness

sinfulness

not knowing

disappointment

Today, it's crazy to see how God has provided for all of these things. He always knew I'd feel things things on the even of college, and He knew what type of a community would help strengthen my confidence and point my wandering eyes in the right direction. After 11 or so years of competitive music, competitions, chair tests, comparisons, and pride, God has placed me in a conservatory that instills a system of experience, peer evaluation, and self-development. Chapman's music conservatory isn't about getting ahead of others, but about becoming better and falling in love. I'M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDD.

"Loneliness is something that happens to us, but I think it is something we can move ourselves out of. I think a person who is lonely should dig into a community, give himself to a community, humble himself before his friends, initiate community, teacher people to care for each other, love each other. Jesus does not want us floating through space or sitting in front of our televisions. Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together. Loneliness is something that came with the fall.

If loving other people is a bit of heaven, then certainly isolation is a bit of hell, and to that degree, here on earth, we decide in which state we would like to live"-Donald Miller

God is Able

God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able


God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

Spark

God is up to something big, you guys.

Maybe when you step back a little and think about that, you'll say,"Duh, Alayne."

But have you ever felt that God wasn't doing much for a period of your life? Or, more so, that you forgot God moves and lives and changes and blesses?

I admit. I forgot about that this summer. I forgot about Him. I was consumed with the small things. Tiny things!! Packing list for college. Financial aid. What color to paint my toenails. I was consumed with thoughtless, brainless things...I could somehow spend a WHOLE day browsing facebook, youtube, and blogs. I could talk to my friends until night became morning. I met with God at church and I preached that a relationship with Him was key to growth and knowing the God we say we believe in. And then, I came home, prayed for more spiritual discipline that week, and returned to my computer.

Being here at Chapman is such a huge blessing. Yeah, the faculty, the student-teacher ratio, the dorm life, the socal weather, the freedom, the new friends-they're all immense blessings. But the difference is that God decided He would spark my hunger for Him. He knew that in this moment, I would desire to be filled with more knowledge of Him so that my will could be aligned with His, rather than diverging towards a lifestyle of worldly desires.

Take my word. I'm not just trying to make up a cool story about how God is going to do something good. I'm truthfully saying that there's a stirring of conversations, a long list of situations and relationships, and a changing/convicting of hearts here on campus that PROVE that God is at work. For those He has put on our hearts to minister to, He has given Christian roommates and close friends. For those with whom we want to share our faith, He has given time and space in very busy days. There's curiosity, openness, and countless opportunities to share with people who really want to hear what we believe to be the Truth. In fact, they want to come and SEE it. To church!! GOD IS PLANTING THE DESIRE TO DISCOVER HIM IN PEOPLE THAT DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!

And do you know what else I think?

I think this is happening on the Peninsula campus, too.

I think this is happening on your college campus.

I think this is happening around the world.

It has been happening, and this rude, convicting, difficult, shame-filled awakening has helped me to see.

Dad,

What if you were here?

Hello

Hello 2011!

Hello to NEW things.

Hello opportunities, beauty, laughter, excitement, and laughter.

Hello sunshine and hello rain.

Hello sleepless nights.

Hello perseverance, hope, discipline, renewal.

Hello decisions decisions decisions...

Hello JOY and hello accomplishment.

Hello surprise and hello disappointment.

Hello food and hello music.

Hello great music. Mwrehehehe.

Hello trips and travels.

Hello endings.

Hello beginnings.

Hello Father, who provides, protects, challenges, loves, listens, and responds.

Hello Lord, who deserves all the glory in the world. All my efforts and cares.

Hello Savior...Thank You for every day.

Hello Teacher. Be patient with me. I know You are. I want to learn and grow.

Hello Friend. Wherever I turn You are there and You remain the same. Help me to treasure You more.

Dearest Samuel,

Baby Samuel, thank you for fighting. Did you know that through your life, the Body of Christ was joined together? Did you know that your story was heard across the country and across the globe? You are not only loved by the Creator and your parents, Dan and Kelly, but your name has been spoken countless times today. You are an example of God's power, God's goodness, and God's unfailing love. Your parents had and have this unfailing faith and enduring desire to seek the Lord's will first. Do you know how encouraging that is? Challenging? Admirable? Life changing?

You're with the Lord now. I'm so lucky to have heard your story and to have prayed for you. Even after the decision to take you off of life support, during that interval of prayer, I truly believed that God had the power to keep you alive. You don't know me, but I'm often doubtful and quick to assume the practical/probable. I realized even before I heard the news that the Lord has used you to grow my faith. To grow the faith of all believers who have heard your story.

I think that the world now has a greater understanding of what love looks like. What the church was meant to do...love one another and proclaim the Truth about God and Christ for the world to hear. Merry Christmas, Samuel.

Music, "you put the art in my heart".

Success

Who is the more successful?

A doctor or a baker?

A lawyer or an artist?

A stay-at-home-mother or a psychologist?

A pastor or a rock star?

A scuba-diving instructor or an elementary school teacher?

A queen or a trash man?

A burger-flipper or a neuro-surgeon?

A dog-walker or a missionary?

A librarian or a farmer?

How do you define success?

Do you define yourself by your level of success?

Should you?

Does it control how you define others?

Should it?

What do you want in this life?

To be successful?

To be happy?

To take risks?

To stay safe?

To be smart? About everything?

To make someone happy?

What if you took the idea of success and accomplishment away?

What if you took away salaries, expectations, and pride?

What if there were only attempts, goals, dreams and struggles?

Who are you now?

Is this version of you less great than the one that "succeeds"?

Why?

According to the Bible, we believers all have the same ultimate purpose. Perhaps we walk in different directions, earn different amounts of money, and dress in different brands of clothing, but we're walking on the same type of path designed by the same Creator for the same reasons. And unlike the world, we're allowed to fall on our faces because it doesn't change our purpose and it doesn't change how the Creator sees us. In 100 years, there will only be one whose love towards us remains. So why are we so bent up on "succeeding" when no level of "success" can ever take away or add to the amount that the Lord loves us? Why are we so concentrated on giving into what the world has created to be "success" and forgetting about who God has created to be heroes, givers, and faith-based people?

When the salaries, titles, recognition, looks, knowledge, scores, schools, and approving nods are stripped away, you are finally just...you.

Auntie Jackie

She would sit in the center of the campground, coffee thermos in her pale hands, and feet propped up on the stone wall of the fireplace. I always remember her wearing fleece. I always remember her smiling. I loved her slight Irish accent.

Auntie Jackie was my Girl Scout leader for 8 years. That's 8 years of patience, teaching, guidance, advice, encouragement, laughter, adventure, learning, and growing. I think as young girls, we couldn't entirely understand a person's character...especially not that of an adult (we think we know their characters!). Now that I look back after having grown up some, I realize the amount of energy it took to keep up a household, 3 children and their schoolwork, endless extra-curriculars, and community work. But it's not just the time and energy that's striking. It's the desire to give even to strangers. To others in the community simply because she was grateful. Compassionate.

Auntie Jackie was diagnosed with ALS about 4 or 5 years ago, and somehow dealt with losing all independence. Losing the ability to communicate. The ability to bathe herself. To feed herself. To decide. For the past couple of years, my mom and I haven't been involved with her life...but I do remember seeing her unable to move and speak. My friend, Auntie Jackie's daughter, was hurrying around the house fulfilling responsibility after responsibility as if the typical adolescent matters suddenly vanished.

Jackie's with the Lord now...as joyful and beautiful as ever. Here on earth, at school, I see her heart and attitude lived out by her daughter. I see the way she bravely takes on challenges, yet still cares so intimately for her friends. The way she fulfills her responsibilities, yet is able to use art to express herself. She is beautiful and she will always be remembered as a super-mom for all of us.

Troop 678 <3

Laundry Room

I was just spending some time practicing the violin in the laundry room. Even though I've been playing this specific concerto for almost a couple of years now, there are still problem areas that come back whenever I don't practice consistently. And I'm recording the last segment (hopefully!!) of my college tape this weekend! (...except for arpeggios. I can't seem to find my workbook of arpeggios...danggit UCI!)

A couple of years ago, when my half-brother Kevin was visiting home from New York, he told me to try practicing in the laundry room. "It's like playing in a concert hall compared to the carpeted living room," he said. Since then, whenever I felt like I had practiced hard and was still dissatisfied with my sound, I'd treat myself to a few minutes practicing in the laundry room. With eyes closed, I really could imagine that I was playing for a crowd in a music hall.

Aside from beautiful acoustics, the laundry room is also a closed, clean[er] space compared to the rest of the house. And it's not too cold like our bathroom....(from which the neighbors can hear my playing O_O. ) I can always concentrate in the laundry room, and because of the privacy, I can also exaggerate my musicality and explore styles to find the type that fits me or fits exactly what the composer's looking for.

Today, I traced my time in the laundry room back to Kevin, and really wanted to hear him play again. How can a neuro-surgeon ever have the time to just play the violin?? Today I wonder if he ever does. I wonder how he'd sound now. I wonder what kind of magic happened in that laundry room. Sure, I agree that it takes discipline and persistent practice to really improve, but I also think being able to pretend that I'm playing in a large hall, sound soaring through the air, can bring that music to the next level. Beginner, amateur :), or professional.

Speaking of New York and big brothers, ERIC'S COMING HOME IN TWO WEEKS!!

Keith

Our tour guide and friend from Ireland!

"In conflict, the first casualty is the truth"

"The oppressed become the oppressors."

"Every man's revolutionist is another man's terrorist."

In my travel journal I made the note..

"**Think: compare the freedom fighters to those we see as terrorists. Are they in the same situation as these nationalists?"

What the crazies...

God be with you

In Literature class, we're reading a book called A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, an Irish modernist. As we're going over not just text but Irish history, so many fond memories of Ireland are brought back (my classmates Charis, Ted, John, Sophia, and Selene were all on the trip, too). Today we discussed the IRA and significant characters that led movements, held power, and fought for their country. It's hard to believe and remember the struggle that still goes on within Ireland today.

During our time in Belfast, we had the opportunity to meet Catholics, spend time with them, and even bring them over to a Protestant church. Rossi (sp?) was an especially memorable guy for me, because at first glance he seemed like a fine-and-dandy, always happy or couldn't care less kind of guy. As we spent the whole day with him, we slowly uncovered how the terrorism and struggle was really a part of his past and present, knowledge and belief. He came with us on a tour at a Protestant police station, and joined us for dinner before we left Belfast. I'll never forget how eager we were to find out more...how eye-opening and heart-wrenching it was for us to hear stories from people who still experience that terrorism, knowledge, courage, loyalty, and patience. A few of us even kindly asked him to switch seats in the middle of dinner so that we could all hear him speak...and by the end of the night, his plate was cold and full because he was too busy sharing (poor guy!)

I think the burning question that we all had was, "When is it going to end?" We wanted a happy ending. A solution to the conflict. We're used to a story with hope, with answers. As I think about it now, I realize that this is why all our hearts still feel close to our time in Ireland-we want our friends to be okay (Protestant or Catholic). For even a few days, our experience in West and East Belfast, simply driving along the dividing wall or meeting fighters who had been in prison, was frightening. Intense. Surprising. I can't imagine not being able to go to the grocery store 5 minutes away because it's on the opposing side. I can't imagine having to drive/walk an extra 15 minutes out of fear of getting jumped.

Yet as Rossi talked, he seemed to have hope. He was grateful. He knew that the Protestants have been hurt, too. He knew that both sides have suffered and that both still hold a defiant belief, but not without a constant and nagging fear or caution. So many questions pop up for me now. How far would I go to defend my faith? How far would I go to defend my country? Am I, like Joyce, disapproving of this conflict and constant struggle? When would I lose hope? When would I lose sight of God?

I really hope to be back in Ireland one day. I told myself that I would pray for these people, our friends and even strangers, who live simple lives in the rain, in the culture, in the farms and cities. Tonight I wonder how God's moving and working and loving in Ireland. I wish I could see!

Rossi taught us a couple of phrases. I just googled them and those pronunciations seem to be different. Google's wrong, Rossi's wrong, or they're both right. Just like northern and southern Ireland huh?

"Hello" or "God be with you"- "gia-dutch"

"God be with you, too"- "gia-maya-dutch"

The internet may tell me otherwise, but I'll never forget these..and how much we wanted to remember and pronounce these correctly because we loved these friendly yet powerful (at least in translation) phrases.

God be with you, Rossi.

UC APP SUBMITTED

UC APP SUBMITTED.

UC APP SUBMITTED.

UC APP SUBMITTED.

there's ice cream in the freezer...

temptation or blessing?

hmmm...

I'm am Yours,

I am forever Yours

Mountain high or valley low

I sing out, remind my soul

I am Yours,

I am forever Yours